Real closeness and tight hugs overwhelm a lot of people these days. But deep in the South American rainforest lives a creature that understands the concept of embracing on a very different level: the anaconda.
Back in 1997, the snake slithered its way onto the big screen and made life miserable for then-rising stars Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, and Eric Stoltz. The jungle vibes were great. The snake was iconic. The movie? Let’s be honest — peak B-movie. Fun, but dumb.
Now, 28 years later, a group of friends clearly dealing with a mild-to-severe midlife crisis decides it’s time to face the beast again. Not metaphorically — literally.
Yes, Anaconda gets a remake. And somehow… it works.
🎭 THE ACTOR – Griff (Paul Rudd)
First up: Griff. A struggling actor who feels life owes him one more shot. Something has to happen, right? So why not head into the jungle and remake Anaconda?
Paul Rudd — eternal human vampire, Ant-Man himself — plays Griff exactly how you want him to: loose, lanky, charming, slightly pathetic, and endlessly likable. It’s classic Rudd, flirting somewhere between self-parody and sincerity.
Fun Easter egg: Rudd reportedly improvised several of Griff’s existential mini-meltdowns — and yes, they kept them.
🎬 THE DIRECTOR – Doug (Jack Black)
Doug is a videographer destined to take over his father’s deeply uncool business: filming cheesy wedding videos. But inside Doug beats the heart of a true artist. A future John Carpenter. A misunderstood auteur.
So when Griff suggests flying into the jungle to remake Anaconda, Doug hears destiny calling. Jack Black does what Jack Black does best: loud, energetic, unfiltered chaos — but never empty.
There are clear echoes of his King Kong performance here, and that’s very much intentional. The filmmakers knew exactly what they were doing.
🎥 THE ACTRESS – Claire (Thandiwe Newton)
Claire has history with both Doug and Griff. As teenagers, they made terrible little B-movies together. Decades later, Claire looks at her life and thinks: This is not what I signed up for.
Her job? Meh. Her life? Meh. A jungle remake of Anaconda? Why not. Thandiwe Newton brings depth and quiet frustration to the role — grounding the madness without killing the fun.
🕵️♀️ THE MYSTERY – Ana Almeida (Daniela Melchior)
Ana is on the run. From whom? That’s the question 😉 Forced by circumstance, she joins the group of clueless gringos — carrying a secret that slowly comes to light.
Daniela Melchior, a Scorpio (yes, that matters), has already turned heads in The Suicide Squad, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3, and Fast X.
Here, she adds emotional weight, mystery, and undeniable screen presence — stealing looks and scenes alike.
❤️ THE FRIEND – Kenny (Steve Zahn)
Kenny is the soul of the group. Naive. Lovable. Endlessly clumsy. Always one step away from disaster. He also enjoys… substances. But don’t worry — right now, he calls himself Buffalo Sober.
What that means? You’ll have to watch the movie.
Fun behind-the-scenes fact: Steve Zahn once starred alongside Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight — yes, the original Anaconda connection is real. Even better: Zahn runs his own community theater in real life and regularly performs there himself. In Anaconda (2025), Kenny is the comic relief, the emotional glue, and easily the film’s biggest scene-stealer.
🐍 THE SNAKE HANDLER – Carlos Santiago Braga (Selton Mello)
A movie about an anaconda obviously needs… an anaconda. Carlos enters the picture with his best buddy: a massive, surprisingly gentle giant snake. Or is she?
Selton Mello — a well-known Brazilian actor — feels perfectly cast here. Whether being Brazilian automatically makes you a reptile expert is… questionable.
But the jungle credibility? Undeniable.
FINAL VERDICT
No — Anaconda (2025) is not a cinematic masterpiece. If you’re searching for profound emotional depth, go watch Rental Family instead.
But this movie? It’s fun. It’s clever. It knows exactly what it is. The concept works. The cast keeps you laughing the entire time.
The jokes land. Repeatedly. The biggest highlight is Kenny, who stumbles from one disaster to the next with such lovable incompetence that you can’t help but root for him.
The story feels surprisingly fresh and unforced — playful enough to entertain, nostalgic enough to charm older audiences. Anaconda (2025) is pure, joyful goofiness, in the best possible way.
Time flies. The jungle tightens its grip. The cast shines. I left the cinema genuinely happy — and I think you will too.
🐍 Final score: 6/10 — and proudly so.
Text: Marco Kokkot
Images: Sony Pictures 2025. All Rights Reserved.
